POLITICAL PROPHECY, HOT AND STEAMING.

My generation doesn’t vote too much. That, and our votes are washed out by the older generations. Eventually, of course, that won’t be the case. What might this mean for Canada?

Luckily for you all, I can easily make a prediction. My methodology is based on rigorous models premised on everyone my age being at least as shallow and narcissistic as I am. We uniformly watch shitty TV and read trashy blogs. We are lumpy and yet loving. And so, without further life-wasting words of no general or specific importance, I refer you to my official political prognostication:

Justin Trudeau Will Destroy All Mortals Who Oppose Him (or, WIN)  In The Federal Election.

10 Reasons:

  1. Last Name
  2. Handsome Face
  3. So Much French
  4. Ever-Changing Hair
  5. There’s Really Only Nine Reasons.
  6. LEGALIZING MARIJUANA
  7. Trim body and photogenic mate and offspring
  8. Ceaseless media comparisons to his father, which works nicely to both fill the time and to re-use some if that ol’ dirty P.E.T. copy from the 60s with absolutely no royalties, baby.
  9. That time that he beat the shit out of a native guy who would later go on to push his wife down the stairs ALLEGEDLY. This has more than a passing to resemblance to the plot of Minority Report, with Trudeau in the non-Scientological role of Tom Cruise.
  10. Just think about what you JUST READ. First, the unstoppable force of a cheesy political tsunami blasting Canada in the face with its foamy aggression. Mixed metaphors alone cannot capture the devastating fate of Stephen-I-oppose-getting-high-Harper. We think of Chrétien as a God because he once throttled a protester. We call his iron grip the Shawinigan Handshake. Justin Trudeau once literally beat a man into submission who turned out to be a wife beater. ON TV.
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